The White Stuff

The Age

Saturday January 10, 2009

Kenneth Nguyen

Loving Cate and buying Murakami at Readings. Kenneth Nguyen asks: What makes a true Melburnian?

THE satirical blog Stuff White People Like performs several useful functions. It adroitly identifies the cultural and consumer preferences of the tertiary-educated, politically progressive class, such as Farmers' Markets (#5), Yoga (#15) and The Idea of Soccer (#80). Its explanations regularly provoke open bursts of laughter. (Consider SWPL's note on Hating Corporations (#82): "When engaging in a conversation about corporate evils, it is important to NEVER, EVER mention Apple computers ... White people prefer to hate corporations that don't make stuff that they like.") Finally, it has caused me - a fan of Grammar (#99), Irony (#50) and Having Gay Friends (#88) - to foster a suspicion that I had previously thought unimaginable: I might be white.

The only problem with Stuff White People Like is that it is rather US-centric. Consider #75 on the Bush-era SWPL list: Threatening to Move to Canada. As if any right-thinking resident of, say, Carlton or Fitzroy North would make such a nonsensical threat: during the Howard years, we preferred to emptily threaten to move to Scandinavia. Such good health-care systems there.

With this in mind, I hereby present an incomplete list of Stuff Melburnians Like:

#17: Disliking America: Melburnians dislike America, and especially Americans' habit of making things that people actually enjoy, like french fries and films with car chases. If you are in a dinner party conversation with a Melburnian and she asks you what you like about America, think carefully. Appropriate answers include "Scott Fitzgerald", "the films of Billy Wilder" and "Barack Obama". "George Bush" is the wrong answer.

#32: Obscure Bars: As every Melburnian knows, the quality of a bar has nothing to do with the expertise of its bartenders or price of its beverages, but rather is proportional to the difficulty of finding it. It goes without saying that one must select a bar located in a laneway or up a narrow staircase. Extra points if you can't get to your chosen bar without walking past a row of skip bins or a trail of pig fat from nearby Chinese restaurants.

#48: Finding Out What School You Went To ... Eventually: The cliche has it that in Adelaide, the first question they ask is "What church do you attend?"; in Sydney, the first question is "What do you do?"; and in Melbourne, the first question is "What school did you go to?" This is, of course, bollocks on stilts. True Melburnians only make that inquiry about 10 questions in. This is because Melburnians, though dying to know what school you went to, realise it's a bit declasse to ask the question straight up. Waiting a few minutes before sneaking the question in is so much classier.

#82: Comparing Melbourne with Sydney: Melburnians love to compare their city with Sydney. The most pleasing thing that you can ever say to a Melburnian is, "I love travelling to Sydney. But I would only ever live in Melbourne." The done thing is to then talk about the better coffee in Melbourne, or how Sydney doesn't have any cool, obscure bars. (See #32 above.)

#22: Raving about Bookshops that Aren't Borders: The Haruki Murakami novels you buy from Borders are exactly the same as those at your independent bookseller; nevertheless, it will not do to profess that Borders is your favourite bookstore. Borders is too popular, too Bunnings-sized, not to mention too American. (See #17 above.) One does better to rave about Hill of Content or Readings. A true Melburnian will then express lingering grief at the loss of Metropolis from Acland Street, and perhaps follow up with a wistful reverie about St Kilda's "bohemian past". NB: If you don't have a favourite bookshop, you are probably the wrong sort of Melburnian.

#14: Celebrating Melbourne's Egalitarian Character: Melbourne is egalitarian, and the concept of class has little, if any, relevance in this day and age. The upper-middle-class Melburnians who are pondering over coffees at the Lawson Grove Milk Bar whether to go to the Portsea Polo or the Lorne Pier-to-Pub will be able to confirm that for you.

#57: Cate Blanchett: All Melburnians love Cate Blanchett. Partly, this is because Ms Blanchett is a remarkable actress, and from MLC to boot. (See #48 above.) Also, Melburnians regard Blanchett as personifying the qualities of the city itself: subtly glamorous, sophisticated, world-renowned. NB: If you tell a Melburnian that their city is arguably more like Bud Tingwell than Cate Blanchett - nice, cuddly, but not necessarily the coolest - they may remove you from their list of Facebook friends.

#88: The Age. We hope.

Stuff White People Like, a book based on stuffwhitepeoplelike.com, is published by Hardie Grant.